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Source: http://ocpd.freeforums.org/viewtopic.php?p=29914#p29914
 

Comment from “LizaJane”
It just struck me… OCPDers are like birds. If you’ve ever had a pet bird, you might know that it’s awfully hard to know when they are sick.  
Wild birds try to never show illness or injury because predators will see that they are easy prey. OCPDers must put out the illusion that everything is perfect in order not to feel anxiety about how just how hard they are trying to pretend that they are OK.

Sometimes I want to take myself by the neck and shout: “YOU’RE AFRAID OF NOTHING!!! [i][b]NOTHING!!!! [/b][/i]GET OVER IT!”


I liked your analogy.  I've always felt this to be true, that my ocpd wife builds an illusion.  My neighbor I suspect of OCPD as well, she now lives alone as her husband left her and moved to another state.  The neighbor has a perfect looking house, there's even an ornamental flag in the front of her townhouse, perfect fence, an old fashioned lamp post and one time she even poured concrete over her entire backyard because of the plants that grew out there (hated how dirty the leaves made her backyard look).  She modified that when rain water started pouring into her house, but it does look perfect.  I suspect she has ocpd because now that she's older and without a husband she's been venting on neighbors, even me calling me mean when I was trying to help her with something.  That's when it hit me that she's probably just like my wife (before I knew what OCPD was btw, but had a lot of the same characteristics.  

While I agree with your analogy I don't think most ocpd people think of it that way.  I think they're totally oblivious to everything they do as they don't compare it to a normal standard or know how to put things in perspective, at least this is my wife and because of enabling from her family she believes herself to be perfect.  But I do think it's reflective of the situation, that they are injured but put on appearances that they're not.  I've had people tell me how wonderful my wife could be, that when a kid got a scratch she pulled out a first aid kit and wasn't that just great.  I suggested that being so great can take a lot of time and that they're might be other things that are important but my point was totally missed because this individual was practically enamored with my wife's perfection and apparent (public) demeanor.

OCPD has so many layers to it.  Finding analogies to put many of the characteristics in place is really helpful.  Thanks.

Letter to teacher (3rd Grade)

In third grade, I had to try to inform the teachers what to look out for in terms of trouble signs.  I fully understand that in social settings those signs are very weak and hidden and thus would be really hard to spot.  It was important for me to make this effort because if the teachers didn’t recognize a problem there would be no counseling for my daughter.  Ultimately it wasn’t the letter that convinced them, it was when I almost started to cry during a quick face to face, after I mentioned that she wanted to ‘leave this world’.  I think they immediately understood how severe things had gotten and at a such young age, that if they were unwilling to help it certainly wouldn’t be in what they considered a great child, best interest.  I really thank them from the bottom of my heart that they did step up and encourage counseling.  I think it erased about 30 to 50% of the trouble at home, and really curtailed my wife’s behavior to levels that normal humans can essentially deal with.

——-

Hi (3rd grade teacher),

 

Thanks for stepping out of class to speak with me.  I’m terribly sorry for the disruption.  I hope we can find a time to sit down and discuss things.  I have my own business so can be available almost anytime.

 

I know this is a difficult subject to figure out and I appreciate your intent on helping.  I understand that from the teacher’s point of view it will be very hard to see any problems with Rachel, and therefore recommend having her see a counselor.  I’m here to help in any way I can to help you see some of the signs.  Considering her current home environment, school offers a refuge of people and especially adults that I know can help her cope with the issues she is facing.  Over the last 7 months, after I was able to diagnose my wife’s condition, her and I have come a long way in putting my wife’s OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder) traits in perspective and Rachel for the most part has matured considerably in responding to the out-bursts.  What scared me the most last winter is that Rachel was really showing a lot of signs of becoming OCPD herself, being stubborn, calling others very nasty names, showing contempt, throwing things and being destructive.  Those with OCPD are notorious for keeping the symptoms out of the public eye, which is why it has been so difficult for me to get help for her, but I do think there are a few signs we can look at that happen at school…

Tardiness. So far we have been pretty good at being on time to school this year, but last year we had many late arrivals.  I credit our current success with my ability to offer Rachel some perspective on our situation.  Her attitude has improved considerably just knowing that both her and I are in the same boat.  Part of the tardiness was caused by Rachel refusing to get out of bed, I believe to be a result of feeling depressed and ‘not caring’.

 

Her telling me she wants a transfer to another school. Cause: adults ‘yelling’ at other students for being disruptive.  I think it’s more of teachers assistants trying to get the students attention, like at lunch or recess, but from Rachel’s point of view, it’s yet another situation of someone being dominant and not respecting other individuals, and thus is a scary situation.

 

Social awkwardness: This one is hard unless you listen closely to what is being said while Rachel interacts with others.  Rachel does have friends, even new friends that she once said ‘I hate her’ as I have helped her work through those thoughts by telling her that every person is different and will offer the world something special in return when they grow up.  Still, her reports to me are critical of certain students.

 

Sensitivity towards adults: She is very sensitive to how adults behave, especially if they’re aggressive in what they do.

 

Always follows the rules: A teachers dream to have a student pay attention and focus on class, but even this can reflect the rigidity of thinking in an OCPD person, as their entire life can consist of following rules and to-do lists.  While I don’t think Rachel has reached a level of being too rigid with schedules, lists and rules, as I am constantly balancing her activities with new and spontaneous things, at home there is a very rigid schedule and, everything has to be scheduled and, ‘right way of doing things’ and, a complete impatience if one breaks the rules or has fun doing something that is required.  What can appear as a ‘great student trait’ can be twisted into something that isn’t so great, resulting in a stifled life.

 

Obsession: She has also been obsessed with dogs for many years now.  I think you’ll notice in her counting exercises and many of her reading materials are about dogs.  I only hope you can remember her homework from 2 years ago as it related to dogs to understand just how long this has been going on.  It started when she was 4… and we do have a cat.

 

Low Self-esteem: I think Rachel is great, she has so many great things going for her, but she also has a low self-esteem.  She doesn’t like her hair, skin color, lack of freckles or her nose shape.  What surprised me is how young she started to notice these personal characteristics about herself and how she felt about them.

When Rachel saw the counselor Stephanie at school last year, my wife became less ‘heavy’, that is, she knows that Rachel will be speaking to someone about her home life.  That really helped lower the tension in our home and obviously had a great impact on Rachel’s ability to absorb the remaining outbursts from my wife.  Before Rachel saw Stephanie, my wife would yell once a day and sometimes multiple times, not always at Rachel, but if I wasn’t around she would direct her own frustration at Rachel.  In fact, during the weekend before Rachel’s meeting, my wife would behave in a civil manner… weekends used to be the worst part of the week.  That is partly why I think counseling at school is so important… as OCPD’rs don’t want to make their behavior public, having Rachel speak to someone in school has a real positive effect on her home life.

 

It is also helping my wife to begin to admit that there might be a problem with her behavior.  Slowly she has been speaking about it and even ‘ending’ her tirades.   Rachel needs more people she can talk to, to help her understand that certain behaviors are not appropriate, but also to know how to handle certain situations without getting angry and frustrated, especially situations where someone she loves and trusts appears to be betraying that trust.  I do everything I can to encourage her, to compliment her and let her know she’s not alone, but I need more help.  Hopefully my wife will also get help so she can become the person she perceives herself to be… maybe Rachel getting help will be her inspiration to get help for herself.

 

Anyway, Rachel is great and without a doubt I want her to have a normal and happy life.  I hope we can find a way towards getting her in to see a counselor.

 

When we meet we can discuss my own relationship with my wife and what I’m attempting to do, if you like, because you’re probably wondering why I’m keeping Rachel in this environment… it’s not something that’s easy for me but I think I’m working in the right direction to mitigating all the issues and helping both Rachel and my wife.

 

You’re welcome to call or email.

 

Regards, Nick.

 

Quick Introduction

OCPD can happen to both men and women.

I am no psychologist, so take everything I say with a grain a salt.

Hopefully your mate or spouse has been diagnosed and you are coping with your own particular circumstance.

This blog will be devoted to married individuals who’s spouse has OCPD.  Hopefully it will give you some insight as to how to deal with your situation.


From here on in, I consider all of the content I write as my opinion. I am writing this from my point of view, not from years of research or study, it just reflects my own personal experience with living with the same individual for almost 20 years.

The OCPD individual really doesn’t get better, with time they get worst.  When they get in their 50′s they will want everyone to follow them blindly and obediently.  You will be a slave or you will fight, but what you should do is leave as soon as possible.  Get out. Get away.  Leave.  Life is a wonderful thing and you and every person deserves to live a reasonable life.  Don’t live it under someone else’s misery.  If you have children, get them out as OCPD is a learned behavior.  Save them now!


For me, this blog will be a way to shed light on the torture my daughter and I am going through.  You see, for me it is a female, my wife, I believe who has OCPD.  No she hasn’t been diagnosed, she refuses to seek any sort of counseling, family, medical (to talk about it) or directly to a psychologist.  Perhaps the fact she refuses means that she’s too far gone, as it seems most people are at least willing to seek counseling as a way to improve their own marriages, but not my wife, and I think this might be because of the family support she gets, or at least they don’t talk about it and display more of a ‘everything is happy and fine’ attitude.

Living with someone who has OCPD has been extremely rough.  There’s the daily taunting, insults, cursing, putdowns and even mocking (reminds me of a 7 year old). Now she’s told me she’s also having an affair (last week) and that she knows what I’m writing online, that she has spy’s watching me and reporting to her.  Are these things true?  Are they just meant to hurt?  I figure this aspect like so many others is just the abuse I and my daughter will have to endure until we can get out.

Instead of getting caught up in her rages, I myself focus on the positive and in helping my daughter get through living with a parent who has obsessive compulsive personality disorder (ocpd). I’m pretty sure you’ll be shocked as this blog develops.  You’ll find out living with someone, perhaps only this example of an OCPD person, is really like living with the trauma of a car accident every day.

So, if you’ve met my wife and think my soon-to-be ex-wife is really wonderful, think again. You know about Ted Bundy don’t you? He was a very charming individual.   In the end you can only trust yourself. In any given situation you can think that all is safe, but in an instant things can change. Life isn’t so simple and depending on what you’re confronted with on the street, or in the home, you have to find a way to navigate to a safe place.

Of course all that I just wrote was negative, and people don’t want to hear or see anything negative, unless they themselves are trying to get over something traumatic. As I said people need to be able to function and that means staying positive, so you can imagine how living with someone with OCPD is like sliding on sandpaper. But at the same time, people must know the truth and embrace that information in order to avoid it, or help others in need. In my own case my wife’s own sociopathic tendencies are so well honed that she paints a really rosy picture of her life. She’s engaging, laughs, hugs people and really makes them feel like she’s their best friend. But they’ll find when she moves they’ll never hear from her again… she’s used you and no longer needs you.

And to those I say, ‘if the life you see as painted by my wife is so great, why the hell am I divorcing her? Why has my child said she wants to kill herself? Why am I registered at a safe house for parents with kids just in case? Why was I silent for 16 years about my marriage (although tortured, the sociopathic aspect made it seem like a mountain to overcome in order to convince others that something was really really wrong), but when I discovered the definition of OCPD, and after crying for a few days because I realized that my wife had no chance of recovery, became vocal about my daughters situation and put her immediately into counseling?’

In my own life, while staying strong for my daughter, I’m surprised more people don’t ask, ‘how’s it going?’ Some do, and in fact there are a few who are actually helping behind the scenes to get my house sold so we have the means to get away.

A couple people looked at me with suspicion when I explained my situation. I don’t blame them. How are they to know what’s the truth. Still I look at them and realize they think ‘ it’s just typical domestic fights’, and not that my soon-to-be ex-wife actually has a disorder, because she always seems so rosy and happy.’

 

UPDATE INTRO, December 18th, 2013

I’ve been on my own for 2 plus years now and wow what a difference it has made on my life.  I’m back at a normal weight, my hair isn’t falling out any more, I look and feel happier and am engaging in the positive things life has to offer again.  I have a split mediated (mediation was a free service offered by NYC that I signed us up for and it worked great as my ‘ex’ was unwilling to expose her unreasonable behavior in front of a stranger, so we have an equal and ‘fair’ arrangement) care of my daughter and have set it up so that every week is split between my ‘ex’ and myself, so that my ‘ex’ can get her act together before seeing my child.  This has worked out pretty well with a few bumps.  I am hopeful still that my child will have a relationship with a more positive maternal partner and that 3+ days in her care isn’t too much for her to handle and won’t result in abusive behavior on my child.  For myself, we have a dog, a guinea pig, a couple of fish so essentially I’m trying to create a positive and happy household for my child.

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Welcome to OCPD Living, a place for the spouse who is living with someone who has OCPD.

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